Hiding In Plain Sight

I've reached a 20 year old life. Things are still crashing. I live day by day with a smile because I really mean it. I love life and all it's bullshit it gives us, it is an immense and wonderful challenge. I stick to this because this is my mindset. Has it been to much?

I am stuck between someone I want to be, someone I hate to be, and who I really am.

I have been taught that there is no fear in life. Absolutely no reason to fear anything, only to keep a cautious mind. I live by this and protect those I can. I go out of my way to save a life, get torn down, and get my ass back up.

Last night I got drugged. Yesterday was not there for me. Today I am half a mind away from letting go. I look out my window and don't feel this piercing cold weather on my skin. As if I'm not even there. What am I going to do with my life? I have some things all figured out, like moving to another country in a couple of months, but really, I AM AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT I AM SCARED. Because I don't know if I am, I shouldn't, really. Just cautions, right? But what IS this. A feeling of being incomplete? A feeling of loss? A feeling of all this power and wanting to let it all go and BE AFRAID? I am afraid to be afraid, and maybe this is what keeps me from driving out into the mountains, putting my car into convertible, and watching the sun rise around the curves of the hills.

Look what's become of me, a disaster, a role model, an un-depressed depressed protective strong helping motherfucking Lady In Leather.

 I need help, but I CAN'T.