I've reached a 20 year old life. Things are still crashing. I live day by day with a smile because I really mean it. I love life and all it's bullshit it gives us, it is an immense and wonderful challenge. I stick to this because this is my mindset. Has it been to much?
I am stuck between someone I want to be, someone I hate to be, and who I really am.
I have been taught that there is no fear in life. Absolutely no reason to fear anything, only to keep a cautious mind. I live by this and protect those I can. I go out of my way to save a life, get torn down, and get my ass back up.
Last night I got drugged. Yesterday was not there for me. Today I am half a mind away from letting go. I look out my window and don't feel this piercing cold weather on my skin. As if I'm not even there. What am I going to do with my life? I have some things all figured out, like moving to another country in a couple of months, but really, I AM AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT I AM SCARED. Because I don't know if I am, I shouldn't, really. Just cautions, right? But what IS this. A feeling of being incomplete? A feeling of loss? A feeling of all this power and wanting to let it all go and BE AFRAID? I am afraid to be afraid, and maybe this is what keeps me from driving out into the mountains, putting my car into convertible, and watching the sun rise around the curves of the hills.
Look what's become of me, a disaster, a role model, an un-depressed depressed protective strong helping motherfucking Lady In Leather.
I need help, but I CAN'T.
"JUST A SIMPLE ROSE," we said. Or a simple flower. None the less, I am still torn apart. I have seen you, finally, and our lips have finally met. But promises, they are fucking killing me. We're not going to be together, and I need to stop. Dwelling over you is driving me into depression, and two years is too fucking much. I tried, trust me, I've tried, but somehow I can't see others. I don't know why. But I do know it's not because of what we have been through. Something's wrong with me, and it has been here for such a long time. Something is wrong with me and I don't know how to fucking explain it. I'm focused so much on getting my school work together, having multiple jobs, and studying in Germany, all so I can be too busy and not think about what is wrong with me. Because I'm depressed as hell, and I AM NOT OKAY. I'm not okay and I've practiced so many times on how to say it so I can tell someone. But everyone is so busy with their own problems, no one wants to hear my stuff. Because I won't even know how to say it. All I ask is for a rose, a metaphorical rose. Something that will bloom, something that will die, and still be beautiful. Just a simple rose, for becoming Simply Beautiful. You are so busy plotting your revenge, or talking yourself out of it, you mindlessly talk and talk and talk within your mind that you need to STOP Jonathan. You are tearing yourself apart. You asked for a simple rose, a single love and a single life. We're both depressed as hell, both torn the fuck apart that I swear to you I want to fly away and into the fucking galaxy and TRIP OUT. Maybe THEN I can come back and continue my lovingly amazing life and help as much people as I can. Maybe then I can explain what it was that I felt once. Maybe then I wont be purposely making myself busy so I won't have time to think of how this lonely freaking rose cannot bloom from starvation and damn agony. I hate it when you say freedom is in death, because even though I don't know death and don't want it now, THIS LIFE is all the damn freedom you need, just DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I myself need to do something. And trust me, I will come back to this blog and be depressed as hell, but I promise you I am trying, I am trying to get my emotional life together and please please please don't give up on me, I am trying, I won't back down I will never give up, but everything...everything IS NOT OKAY. But it's okay, I promise, just...just give me one single pretty rose, I am a rose.
On Your Rememories- Comeback
Still, my name is Crash. And I am still Crashing. But I found myself, & I am breaking through walls in order to get what I most desire. But everything is crashing, just as everything is being painted green. I don't believe it is the heartbreak this time anymore.
I am alone.
I am not alone.
There is multiple people that care. Those who I want to tell, they have shut me down. No one wants to listen to a depressed story, especially is all they eager for is smiles and success. But those that have the time to listen, I can't tell them. I don't know them anough to say it to them. Trust is hard, and I don't know if being on my toes can get me anywhere or not, unless I balance it.
So I have.
When I do say something, I only say parts of it, to diferent people. Only I can piece it all together. But I only tell them minimal details.
There is something though.
I can't tell no one. No one will listen. I can't force myself to say it, because I don't even know how the hell it came to be, or why, or when. But I feel alone. I fear that I have this perfection set ahead of me, and no one cares to see the hurt in my eyes I have caught myself do for a split second. I am strong, but I am crashing. Physically, I don't crash, but it seems as if I am almost there.
My family.
My family, what have I put you into. I am sorry. I love you and I will protect you, but I have to leave you.
My friends.
I love you as well. I will also protect you, where are you?
My love.
Smile truthfully.
XXVII
